Sir Cadbury of Doogleshorn

Race:

Demi-god

He has a +8 to one ability score (or split it up), and his scores can go up to 30. He has inherited every single trait of another race, at any given time, without any of the downsides.

He has “Divine Presence,” which forces everyone within 30 feet to make a saving throw or be charmed/frightened of you every time you talk. If they fail a wisdom and intelligence and charisma saving throw, I will mind-control my allies.

Class

Blade Mage (5e Class)](https://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Blade_Mage_\(5e_Class\))

I can cast spells as a bonus action and then attack as an action. At later levels, you can “Lingering Magic,” which basically lets you keep a spell’s effect active without concentration.

One of the archetypes allows you to “keep making attacks until you hit” as a bonus action. This means your turns take 20 minutes as you roll, miss, roll, miss, and roll again while the rest of the party checks their phones.

Background

Sir Cadbury of Doogleshorn was born to a royal family, and is the third or fourth in line to the thrown of a land you’ve never heard of, born to a king and queen no one has ever heard of. He is very entitled. He is very used to people just reacting to his presence by attempting to wait on him or serve him. He expects it, so much so that if people don’t immediately fawn over him, he gets pissy.

He talks a lot of shit, he talks a huge game, but he has never actually been in a fight. He has always had someone there to back up his claims. They weren’t loyal to him, but fearful of the wrath of his father. He doesn’t actually know this and thinks people just naturally love him.

He is extremely rich. But he never has any money. He will never help with expenses, but he will be the first to try to claim loot or gold from a quest or a dead critter. He really likes looting. And telling everyone how brave and amazing he is.

Sir Cadbury was minorly cursed by a village witch as a child. He pointed and laughed at her nose, and she forever cursed him with: “Destiny Aura”. It causes minor, harmless inconveniences to everyone around you (milk curdles, shoelaces untie, it always rains 5 feet behind you).

Useless & Weird Very Useful Characteristics

Special traits:

• He has a trait called “Radiant Ego.” He glows with the brightness of a daylight spell at all times. He cannot turn it off. It is his gift to society: to be able to bask in his glory and radiance, to be blessed by a royal noble, whom they are unworthy to interact with.
• He speaks 14 languages, but he has a “Universal Dialect” quirk where you swap languages every three words. He claims he got this from his studies and travels abroad. Also, a witch might have cursed him. But don’t ever bring that up.
• He has a special affinity for small, grey, boring rocks. He has a special bag of letting go which generates a 1d100’s worth of small, grey, boring rocks. He’s often encumbered and regularly leaves a trail of them behind him. Don’t ever bring this up, or point it out, he was cursed by a witch, again, but won’t admit it. He said she was dumb as rocks and so this was her spite.
• Whenever he enters combat, he takes on the trait of “honorable” (a useless homebrew flaw) and must spend your first turn explaining your entire backstory to the enemy. If they interrupt you, you gain a stack of “Angst,” this makes him invulnerable and unattackable until he is done speaking.
• He has a feature that prevents him from dying; if he hits 0 health, he explodes into 1,000 moths and take 24 hours to reform.
• He has “Divine Hunger.” He must consume 10x the normal amount of food, meaning the party’s rations are gone by day two. This was another curse from another witch in a different town. He called her fat. She responded in kind.
• Because of his +30 Charisma (thanks to Demi-god stats), he succeeds at every persuasion check, but his “Godly Ego” means he only use it to demand that the local King gives him his favorite hat. The local king he also always mistakes for his won father. This regularly leads to very awkard situations and misunderstandings.

In addition to being a Demi-God he is also an Aethel-Born

The Aethel-born are translucent, humanoid-ish beings made of solidified “Main Character Energy” and glowing gas. They believe they are the only “real” people and that all other races are just background NPCs generated by the universe to serve their narrative.

He has certain and specific predjudices inherited from his high born, royal upbringing. He’s very opinionated and always right.

The Aethel-born find Halflings to be “unfinished prototypes.” He will constantly try to “complete” the Halfling by stretching their limbs or offering to paint them a more “heroic” color.

He views Humans as “The Beige Menace.” He finds their lack of glowing skin or wings to be a personal insult to his aesthetic senses and will loudly offer fashion advice during life-or-death stealth missions - the only time to be making these kind of statements.

He regularly mistakes Orcs’ and Half-Orcs’ strength for “manual labor settings.” He will treat Half-Orcs like a sentient forklift, often trying to “install” luggage racks on their shoulders. He will often talk a lot of very big game, and then try to use an Orc/Half-Orc’s strength and intimidation to get him out of the trouble he got himself into. This often leads to the untimely deaths of other people. He is oblivious to the consequences.

Special Abilities:

• The Filibuster: While speaking his backstory, he has an AC of 25. He will refuse to fight unless you are also narrating, leading to 10-minute speeches mid-round.
• Phasing High-Horse: He can hover exactly 1 inch off the ground at all times, if needed. As many times a day or hour as he wants. There are no limitations. He could hove across a chasm is he wanted to. He often will refuse to trigger floor traps, because those are beneath his dignity to be trifling with.

Other Quirks and Traits:

• The “Carbon-Based” Phobia: He finds the concept of “digestion” horrifying. Whenever the party sits down to eat, he must make a “Disgust Check” (which you always fail), resulting in you loudly describing the “wet, mushy biology” of their stew until everyone loses their appetite. He eats with his mouth open on the regular.
• Selective Invisibility: He can turn invisible, but only to people he finds boring or beneath him. If the party’s quest is not for gold and/or loot (or self-aggrandization), they often can’t find him when it’s time to leave the tavern or start a quest. He has also been known to get bored during side quests and just become invisible. He will often just sit down in the middle of a fight and wait until it finishes. He will not take his turn and will just be skipped.
• The “Loot Purist”: He will refuse to touch any item that isn’t made of “Star-Iron” or “Dream-Glass.”, gold, platinum, or obsidian. If the party finds a legendary Vorpal Sword made of steel, you will toss it into a lake because it’s “too industrial.” If he doesn’t make this foolish votive offering (something he doesn’t understand) he will saddle one of the lesser species to carry it for him until he can sell it for gold or platinum.

Other extremely important things that make him super awesome

He doesn’t use a bed, or a bedroll. Those are for peasants. He sleeps inside a “Pillar of Judgmental Light” that makes a low-pitched humming sound. Party members, so privileged to be his questing mate often unfairly complain they never get a Long Rest without someone gaining a level of Exhaustion from the noise. He often find this to be completely ungrateful as his Pillar of Judgmental Light keeps all the other critters away.